Divorce Diaries: Gisele Bundchen Gives Tom Brady a Final Ultimatum

There are plenty of emotionally available heterosexual men in the world ripe for the picking. My only wish is that they be just an ounce as giving as the Gisele Bündchen/Tom Brady divorce news cycle, because, WHEW.

According to a new issue of Us Weekly, Gisele has officially given husband and struggling quarterback Tom an ultimatum amid their ongoing marital issues. “Gisele told Tom either he leaves football to spend time with the family or she is gone for good,” an “insider” told the magazine. Who might this mysterious person be? Another fired nanny? Gisele’s healer? Couldn’t be Gisele’s publicist though, right? Right?

Gisele, according to said insider, is worried about her husband’s health in the game of football. You know the one: where they body slam each other into the turf to advance the ball a yard or two, or push through shoddy concussion protocol to get back in the game. “She doesn’t want him to continue to get injured and not be able to enjoy life in the future,” the source said. “She is doing it for her family,” and she just wants Tom to make a “big gesture to support her.” Though ultimatums can be tricky to maneuver in relationships, all of this is telling me that Gisele must be in therapy. Look at her, clarifying her needs and defining exactly how her partner can meet them!

Meanwhile, the model is apparently focusing on the kids, building up her businesses, and taking time for herself, the source says. She even took the kiddos to a pumpkin patch in Miami over the weekend, according to Page Six, sans wedding ring. The gossip mag noted Gisele was photographed “lugging a large pumpkin” with two of her children close by. You lug that pumpkin, bitch, we support you.

And while things were looking spooky but orderly at the patch, another anonymous “insider” told Page Six that “things are very nasty between Tom and Gisele because of the lawyers,” noting that both parties “are ready for a fight.”

“Tom and Gisele are not battling over the kids, they both want joint custody,” the source said. “But it will take some time to divide their immense wealth and property all over the world.”

And while the public seems to be gobbling up headlines about the couple’s misery, even their inner circle seems to have turned on Brady, says Us Weekly. “Gisele and Tom’s friends are upset at Tom for going back on his word and coming out of retirement,” a source (anonymous…again) said. “They hate the way Tom is refusing to bend for Gisele.”

You heard them, Tom. Bend the fucking knee!!!

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