No One’s More Disgusted By Alleged Elon Musk Affair Than Woman He Allegedly Banged

Following allegations that Elon Musk broke up Google co-founder Sergey Brin’s marriage by having an affair with Brin’s wife, Nicole Shanahan, no one is denying the affair with more fervor than Shanahan herself.

In a statement shared to the Daily Mail on Wednesday, Shanahan’s lawyer said, “Make no mistake, any suggestion that Nicole had an affair with Elon Musk is not only an outright lie but also defamatory.” (Emphasis added by me.)

Look, I get it. I, too, would prefer not to be sexually linked with a man who looks like he could get sunburnt from a lightning bug. I, too, would sue for defamation and ensure anyone who alleged I had so much as kissed the man pictured below was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

This, mind you, is how he looks as a billionaire who can afford all of the cosmetic treatments and tanning booths in the world.

Over the weekend, the juicy tabloid known as the Wall Street Journal reported that Musk had hooked up with Shanahan, president of the “reproductive longevity” foundation Bia-Echo, in December—I imagine at some posh, billionaires-only Christmas party. This was apparently the final nail in the coffin of Shanahan and Brin’s marriage. At the time, Brin and Shanahan, who married in 2018, had reportedly already separated, but it wasn’t until Brin learned about Musk and Shanahan’s alleged affair that he filed for divorce.

Brin also reportedly moved to sell his investments in Musk’s companies shortly after the affair, and the Journal went so far as to report that Musk had “dropped to his knees” before Brin at a party, begging for his forgiveness. (So, former President Trump was actually right about something???) Before the affair, the two middle-aged billionaires had apparently been as thick as the thieves they are—Musk would oft crash at Brin’s Silicon Valley mansion, and Brin had apparently given Tesla $500,000 amid the 2008 financial crisis, only for the Tesla CEO to still, unflinchingly stab him in the back. It isn’t exactly news that the union-busting, alleged sexual harasser is a dick, but it is news that he’s this much of a dick. OK maybe still not, but here I am writing this blog.

On Monday, Musk naturally denied that the story was true as only someone who once allegedly harassed and begged a female employee to have sex with him in exchange for a horse would: by sharing far too much about his sex life. He called the Journal article’s claims “total bs,” and also declared that he hasn’t “even had sex in ages (sigh).” If you think you’re uncomfortable reading this, just imagine how uncomfortable his employees—namely those who have filed a lawsuit for “rampant” workplace sexual harassment—are each day!

In any case, Shananhan’s fierce denials of a sexual rendez-vous with Musk, I can understand. As for Musk’s? He should be so lucky!