This Isn’t a Relationship, This Is Someone to Bone For the Holidays

Every outlet in the Western hemisphere is reporting that Kim Kardashian West and Pete Davidson are “officially” dating, meaning that they mutually agreed to enter into a consensual romantic relationship without any outside influences guiding their decisions. As a staunch devotee to the truth, I am here to tell you that these people are not doing that. This is not a dating situation, this is a mid-divorce-pre-holiday fuck buddy situation and there is not a shred of evidence anyone can present that will convince me otherwise.

The ink on the Kardashian/West divorce hasn’t even been manufactured to be put into the pen that will eventually sign the papers. More importantly, Kim has four whole children and Pete seems very nice but doesn’t exactly give off the energy of someone you bring around the kids in a serious manner.

The most likely explanation for this supposed relationship is that Kris Jenner, who works harder than any person in Hollywood, shoved these two together after she saw all of the buzz from Kim’s SNL appearance and is using Pete to soft launch SKIMS for men. Pete is actually wearing SKIMS pajamas in this photo.

I am not mad at this plan because SKIMS are a very nice and very comfortable product and there are only a few shopping days left until the supply chain crisis ruins Christmas for everyone. But let’s all be honest about what we’re doing here! [E! News]

• Millionaires are bad but maybe we can all agree that this one gets to keep his wealth. [TMZ]
• Love continues to die. Kaia Gerber and Jacob Elordi have parted ways. [E!]
• Lala Kent is learning a valuable lesson about thinking out your tattoos before you get them done. [Us Weekly]
• Don Johnson be fuckin’ according to Don Johnson. [New York Post]
• Julia Stiles is pregnant! Again! [New York Post]