While Secret Santa forces you to know something about the gift recipient, the beauty of the White Elephant gift is the promise of possibility. And for those of us who like to toe the line of what makes an “appropriate” gift, White Elephant is our time to shine.
But line-toeing is a delicate art: You need to find gifts that are raunchy without being offensive; items that are quirky without making people uncomfortable. If you’re worried about crossing these lines, fret not. The following gag gifts will most definitely not be the most coveted item at your White Elephant party, but they’ll be sure to get the most polarizing reaction. After all, the real appeal of gift-giving is the chance to show off your sense of humor and ingenuity. Isn’t that what the holidays are all about–your ego?
(Quick disclaimer: If your gift exchange is amongst family and coworkers rather than longtime friends, make sure you trust your ability to read the room. A gag gift is not worth making people genuinely uncomfortable.)
Freaky animal paw socks
Who doesn’t need an extra pair of socks? Well, a pair of these are not for the faint of heart. My friend has a pair of these socks that transform her ostensibly normal human feet into an unsettling pair of cat paws. And rather than a simple animal pattern, these socks have some kind of 3D effect to make them look extra freaky. I’m unsure if these socks reach into uncanny valley territory, but something about them is extremely off-putting. Paw-ff putting? I’ll see myself out.
Cost: $9.95
Irreverent, borderline inappropriate reading
Every new year brings a slew of vague resolutions to “read more.” Help out the intellectual in your life with a book like Things To Do While You Poo On The Loo, How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety or How To Make Money In Your Spare Time (spoiler: it might involve joining the Mafia). I’ve linked to Amazon below so you can browse book titles, but I encourage you to then buy those titles from one of your local booksellers. Support local business!
Cost: Usually around $10
Condoms for your wine
These may be funny in name, but they’re genuinely functional in nature. “Use protection” by wrapping these rubbers over the tip of your wine bottle to keep the goods inside from going bad. If you’re worried that this won’t be an attention-grabber during your White Elephant, you can win the room back with the fun fact that these wine condoms were invented by a mother-son duo. Is that fine? Is it freaky? Discuss!
Cost: $15 for a set of six condoms
Celebrity prayer candles
Worship at the altar of celebrities like Cardi B, John Cena, and Morgan Freeman. The company claims to add new celebrity candles daily, and if you don’t see a celebrity you like, you can slide into their DMs and get a prayer candle made specifically for you.
Again, whenever religion is involved, make sure to read the room and don’t cross any lines with the other White Elephant participants. Godspeed.
Cost:$24.95 per candle
“Fuck the sun” dad hats
Channel your inner Frank Rossitano from 30 Rock and let your hat do the talking. In addition to “Fuck the sun,” irreverent slogans like “generation ass” and “cool teen” are just some of the offerings available to you. Reductress is the first and only satirical women’s magazine, and their merch is just as goofy and raunchy as their headlines.
Cost: $28
Coasters for stubborn singers
“Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight, losing my religion.”
No? What about: “Don’t call Jason waterfalls.”
We all know someone who marches to the beat of their own drum and sings the words to their own song, even if that song is actually someone else’s and they’re butchering the words like mad. These coasters are for them.
Fun fact: This odd (and hysterical) phenomena has a name. The word “mondegreen” originates from a misheard bit of an old Scottish ballad.
Cost: $28-29
The yodeling pickle
We’ve all been there. You need to break the ice, or wake someone from a deep slumber, or cure your boredom with a briney holler. Well, look no further than the infamous yodeling pickle. This long, plastic pickle will yodel its heart out at the push of a button.
Cost: $19.95
Cat butt tissue dispenser
You might have picked up on the fact that this list of gift ideas is biased against potty, poop, and ass-related humor. That’s because those things are, in a word, gross. This cat butthole tissue dispenser, however, is just tasteful enough to get some laughs without grossing everyone out. Next time you have a runny nose, yank your tissue right from this tabby cat’s ass, which is perpetually at-the-ready.
Cost: $34.95
Butt/face soap
Let’s keep face products for your face, and nether region products in the nether regions. This soap itself is practical, but the brown color-coding is what pushes it to the grosser end of the spectrum for White Elephant contenders. Beware: this gift will give nasty pranksters a perfect opportunity to use your face soap on their butt.
Cost: $8.99
Terrifying latex old man mask
Want to take a prank a little too far? Try disguising yourself with a disturbingly realistic old man mask. This thing is creepy. If A Christmas Carol taught us anything, it’s that there’s no better way to get in the holiday spirit than through pure, unadulterated fear. (Seriously–why does Halloween get to corner the market on fear?)
Cost: $28.59
A souvenir from Flavortown
You don’t need to be a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives aficionado to know that Guy Fieri is an icon, a figure that anyone would be proud to represent via flame shirt, flame shades, or a visor with built-in hair. These gifts will take you on a road rockin’ trip down to Flavortown, where the gravitational force of bacon warps the laws of space and time, you know?
Cost: Around $15-20
Misfortune cookies
Each cookie contains a different ominous misfortunes, “made with darkness and misfortune in Germany.” No one does “bleak” like the Germans, and the reviews say they taste exactly like the fortune cookies you know and love, just with whatever bitter aftertaste your fortune leaves in your mouth. If nothing else, this review claims the cookies will “make your lips black and your poo weirdly green,” so hopefully, that makes them worth it.
Cost: $16.99
Anything that looks too much like real food
Baguette slippers. Burrito blankets. Buttered bread pillows (with lumbar support). Because you’re going to be getting crumbs all over yourself anyways, right? I recommend avoiding “cute” foods like ice cream cones, and branching out into more savory options, like fried chicken.
Cost: Around $30