Over the approximately 18 years it takes to raise a child from infancy to a person somewhat ready for life outside your protective bubble, you (and other relatives, friends, and neighbors alike) will make all kinds of mistakes. We speak so many words throughout those two decades that some of them are bound to be hurtful or otherwise negatively affect our kids—or our relationship with them—without us even realizing it, let alone intending it.
There are the labels we inadvertently put on them, to all the ways we try to get them to communicate over the years that could use a bit of improvement. Here are some things we really should try to stop saying to our kids.
Stop calling kids “shy”
We’ve all been there...we’re at a large family gathering with a slew of aunts, uncles, cousins, and kids we haven’t seen in many months or years, and little 4-year-old Sammy is hiding behind his mom’s legs until someone feels compelled to say, “Oh, Sammy is shy!” Or worse, they ask Sammy, “Are you shy?”
Pro-tip from someone who was on the receiving end of this ad nauseam as a kid: Asking someone who is feeling shy whether or not they’re shy makes the person feel less comfortable, not more. And shyness is exactly that—a feeling, not a trait. One shy moment does not a shy person make.
Stop insisting that little kids “share”
We all want our kids to share nicely with others—but the thing about generosity, Lifehacker’s former parenting editor Michelle Woo once wrote, is that it has to be voluntary:
Forcing a child to give up their toy/iPad/last peanut butter pretzel in the name of sharing not only leaves a kid resentful and less likely to share, but also denies them the opportunity for developing real-world social maturity. Parenting educator Janet Lansbury
writes that such adult intervention
often convinces kids that 1) they always need a grownup to determine fairness, 2) the material object is more important than engaging with each other and 3) all “struggle” should be avoided. In the words of the late early childhood educator Magda Gerber, “Struggle is a normal part of human relations.” The earlier kids understand this, Gerber believed, the better off they will be.
So what do you say instead of, “Share!”? Here are some ideas.
Stop calling little girls “bossy”
I like people calling little girls “bossy” about as much as I like them calling women in the workplace “emotional.” In my experience, if a male is directing people around (whether on the playground or in the board room), he’s considered a strong leader, an alpha male. When a female wants to lead by being direct or showing assertiveness, she’s being bossy—a word that girls will quickly internalize as a characteristic with negative connotations.
No, we don’t want one little girl telling all the other kids what they can play and how they can play it every day at recess, but we definitely don’t want to send the message that we would prefer they keep their opinions or preferences to themselves. We don’t want them to grow up thinking that in order to be liked, they need to be quieter and less assertive.
Stop constantly complimenting little girls for their appearance
When Lifehacker staff writer Sarah Showfety’s young daughter recently tore it up on the soccer field, she was met at the sidelines afterward for some congratulatory post-game re-capping—and the message from at least one bystander that she also looked cute while smashing her opponent into the ground.
“It reminded me,” Sarah wrote, “that the way we have traditionally spoken to young girls, and the toxic messages embedded within that speaking, are bothersome at best and confidence-eroding at worst. The traditional focus on girls’ appearance when they’re little can cause their looks be an overwhelming factor in their self-worth as an adult.”
She continues:
The point is not to shame anyone for using these knee-jerk go-to phrases; it’s how we’ve been trained as a society to talk to girls and women. (If I can go to book club without someone’s haircut, clothes, makeup, purse, or earrings being mentioned in the first five minutes, then strike me dead.) The point is
to bring alternatives to the classic appearance-based tropes that roll so effortlessly off our tongues when talking to little girls.
Next time, rather than a litany of: “
You look so cute,” “I love your dress,” “what a princess you are,” “look at your pretty nails
,” and the dreadful “
how many boyfriends do you have?,”
try one or more of these alternatives
to connect with the little girls in your life.
[What to Say to Little Girls Instead of ‘You Look So Pretty’]
Stop referring to your kid as your “mini-me”
From the time they’re very young, kids are listening to how we describe them. Our words can become part of the baseline for how they define themselves, and that means our words should say more about their individuality than it does about some biological need to see ourselves mirrored in the world.
And when you’re saying this about someone else’s kid, keep in mind that the comparison game is almost always a minefield with kids—you don’t know the dynamics of every family, or even whether every kid is the biological child of the parents who are raising them. To be safe, let’s just let kids be mini versions of their future selves. One of you is probably enough anyway.
Stop calling kids “stubborn”
It’s easy to see a child’s stubbornness as a negative. After all, it makes your day-to-day life harder when they’re fighting you at every turn. But the very traits that make them strong-willed as a child (particularly that inward motivation and internal wisdom they so heavily rely on) are also the traits that turn them into teenagers and adults who will value integrity and shun peer pressure—if we haven’t broken their wills by then, that is. These kids become leaders.
There are ways to embrace your child’s stubborn streak without allowing them to run the show, but it starts with the language we use to describe them. Because how we view them is likely to also be how they will view themselves. Our words become their internal dialogue, and a word like “stubborn” (with synonyms like obstinate, bullheaded, pigheaded, and uncompromising) is probably not how we want them to label themselves.
Instead, you can choose to see their “stubbornness” as an embodiment of the tenacity, determination, and perseverance that make today challenging but which will serve them well in the future.
Stop telling kids to “be careful” all the time
When you’re a parent of young children, the only phrase that wants to cross your lips more than “no,” might be, “be careful!” And for good reason: We’re tasked with keeping these little humans alive, and we really have no desire for a quick stop at the playground to end in a trip to the ER. But...telling kids, over and over, to be careful simply isn’t effective.
As Lifehacker staff writer Sarah Showfety points out, it’s not specific enough about whatever danger we perceive, it’s overused to the point of being tuned out, it projects our fear onto them, and it can inhibit their development.
But obviously you do want them to be careful (while also teaching them to watch out for risks on their own). Here’s what you can say instead.
[Stop Telling Kids to ‘Be Careful’ (and What to Say Instead)]
Stop calling kids “crybabies”
The word “crybaby” evokes a certain image: a child who seems to tear up over things of little consequence, multiple times a day, and for several minutes per cry session—and who seems too old to do so. There is a societal expectation that by a certain age, maybe around the time they start kindergarten or first grade, kids shouldn’t be melting down quite so much. After that point, they are officially “crybabies.”
Some kids do simply cry more than others. They may naturally be more sensitive, more emotionally intense, or are still learning how to regulate their emotions. The goal should never be to eliminate their crying, though. Boys in particular receive messages from all around them that “big boys” don’t cry, that crying is a babyish or girly way to express emotions, or that crying means they are weak. We have to be careful about the messages we relay to our kids—and allow others to relay to them—about their crying, especially for those who are more prone to tears.
[We Shouldn’t Call Kids ‘Crybabies,’ Even If They Cry a Lot]
Don’t ask kids “why” when they’re upset
Your kid has been muttering under his breath for the past five minutes as he works through his math homework; finally, he slams his pencil down in obvious frustration. “Why are you getting so frustrated?” you might ask. Or your preschooler comes rushing down the stairs to you, tears running down her cheeks; “Why are you sad?” you ask.
Our intentions are good. We see our kids dealing with a difficult emotion and we want to know what caused it (and, therefore, how we might help fix it). But instead of getting to the root of their problem, we may actually be putting them on the defensive, according to The Gottman Institute, and the underlying message may be that they need to justify their feelings to us.
Instead, these responses may be more productive.
Stop calling kids “picky eaters”
Adults have been eating for so long that many of us forget that the act is a complex sensory experience of color, smell, taste, and texture. It’s kind of a lot, and it takes some kids longer than others to get comfortable with being adventurous eaters.
For most of us, though, having a limited palate is but a phase. Guess who was a “picky eater” growing up? Yep, this girl. Guess who grew up to eat practically anything you put in front of her? Also me! I was a fully-formed adult before I started eating things like seafood and vegetables that are not corn.
When you label kids in certain ways, they tend to rise—or fall—to that label, or to your perceived view of them. Not to mention that it’s likely just an inaccurate way to describe them over the scope of their lifetime. They (probably) won’t want to eat chicken nuggets every day for the rest of their life.
Stop telling kids that medicine is “candy”
Lifehacker’s senior health editor, Beth Skwarecki, is both knowledgeable when it comes to health-related subjects and she’s a mother of three. So when she reminds us that coercing a kid to take medicine by telling them it’s candy is a bad idea, we should listen. Beth writes:
Some kids understand that medicine helps you feel better, but then they apply toddler logic. If a little is good, more must be better, right? Kids also may not understand that there are different
kinds
of medicines, and so Grandma’s pills aren’t interchangeable with their Tylenol. My kids have even asked for medicine after skinning a knee.
All this argues in favor of explaining to kids what medicine
really
is—and until they’re old enough to understand, keep meds “up and away,” as the
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
has named their campaign to prevent childhood poisoning. That means if you gave some medicine to a sick toddler, and plan to give them more in four hours, don’t leave the bottle at their bedside. And if you’re visiting friends or family, make sure they don’t have meds or vitamins in kid-accessible places like the kitchen counter.
Stop telling your kids their medical procedure won’t hurt
Most adults would agree that shots (and other basic medical procedures) aren’t too bad. Maybe we don’t love to get shots, but we know the pinch is brief and the longterm benefits far outweigh a moment of discomfort. Trying to completely sugarcoat it for our kids, though, to the point where we tell them it won’t hurt at all might get them through the pediatrician’s door, sure, but ultimately, they’re going to feel it, and they might not trust you quite so much the next time.
Lifehacker’s former parenting editor, Michelle Woo, wrote:
On Twitter, North Carolina pediatrician Chad Hayes gives t
: “Don’t lie to kids about whether a medical procedure will hurt. Tell them, in developmentally-appropriate language, what to expect. What it will feel like. How long it will last. Why it’s necessary. That it’s OK to be afraid and OK to cry.”
Instead, as Hayes suggests, tell your child calmly and objectively what’s going to happen and why. (It’s important to exude some confidence here—if you’re freaking out inside about a shot/incision/etc., they’ll detect that in your voice.) And then plan ahead to
. You might offer your kid some choices to give them a sense of control—perhaps they can pick out a favorite stuffed animal to bring, or count to three before the procedure begins, or select a special Band-Aid beforehand.
[Stop Telling Your Kids Their Medical Procedure ‘Won’t Hurt a Bit’]
Stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up
I know, I know, it’s among the most common questions adults ask kids when we want to get them chatting—and I’ve certainly asked it myself. I’ve viewed it as a point of curiosity; a way to track how my own son’s interests change over time. But psychologist Adam Grant writes for the New York Times that we’re doing a disservice to our kids when we endlessly ask them what they want to be when they grow up.
My first beef with the question is that it forces kids to define themselves in terms of work. When you’re asked what you want to be when you grow up, it’s not socially acceptable to say, “A father,” or, “A mother,” let alone, “A person of integrity.” This might be one of the reasons many parents say their most important value for their children is to care about others, yet their kids believe that top value is success. When we define ourselves by our jobs, our worth depends on what we achieve.
Secondly, Grant says, we are implying that there is but one true calling out there for everyone. As “global education evangelist” Jaime Casap teaches, instead of “What do you want to be,” try asking, “What problems do you want to solve?” Shift the focus away from specific jobs and more toward what kind of person they want to be. Someone who is compassionate and organized and energetic can be any number of things as an adult.
Stop asking your kids about their day
Veteran parent and former Lifehacker editor-in-chief Alice Bradley once had some words of wisdom for those of us who wanted—or expected—our children to give us a full recap of their day: Swallow that desire. Why? Alice explains:
They’re tired. School is draining. If they’re teenagers, they’ve had to get up early, and their circadian rhythms have turned them into night creatures. Even if they’re the unusual kid who bounces out of bed in the mornings, they’ve just been through the academic and social wringer. School has taken its toll. Now they’re out of school. What’s the last thing they want to talk about? School. School is the thing that is over. And now you are demanding a recap. No.
That doesn’t mean don’t talk to them at all. Here’s what to say instead, according to Alice’s experience:
When you’re reunited at the end of the day, look at them and say the following: “Hey, I’m so happy to see you.” Then shut up. (You could add, “How are you?”, especially if they appear troubled.) Or talk about anything else: what you’re having for dinner that night, or an inspiration video about a cat and a dog who are best friends. And of course they might decide to get super chatty about school at that point, or later—during dinner or before bedtime. But you’re not
not
asking them in a bid to get them to tell you stuff anyway, right? Of course not.
If you don’t know what to say to a kid, try this
If now you’re worried you have nothing to say to your stubborn niece who is something of a daredevil (but also cries a lot), here are some ideas to get you started.
And remember: When all else fails, just give a kid a high-five. No child can resist a high-five.
[If You Don’t Know What to Say to a Kid, Try This]