I have quite the collection of Bonne Maman jam jars, because their strawberry preserves are the only fruit I’ll spread on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s perfectly tangy and sweet, with discernible bits of real strawberries. I actually regret introducing my boyfriend to Bonne Maman, because now it’s all he’ll eat on a peanut butter and jelly, and he eats them much more frequently than I do. (This has resulted in me going to make one, only to find myself in a jam jam). Beyond sandwiches, I also use these preserves to make DIY fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cups, and have been known to dip cheese directly into the jar.

Diet Pepsi is never okay. Neither is any other diet cola. (Diet Dr. Pepper is acceptable for special occasions, but that isn’t a cola). I’ve written about my love for Diet Coke nearly ad nauseam, and I’ve meant every word. It’s the perfect beverage to pair with greasy, salty food; it gives me a refreshing jolt of caffeine whenever I need it; and it is mostly water, which means I remain at least partially hydrated. (I even take it to the gym with me.) I drink at least three a day.

Sorry to anyone who lives outside the Pacific Northwest, but Alpenrose cottage cheese (the 4% milk fat version) is my favorite cottage cheese of all time. The creamy curds are the perfect size and the whey is perfectly tangy and slightly salty. All other cottage cheese brands taste flat and bland by comparison.

A lot of food writers and chefs are fiercely loyal to a particular kosher salt or fine sea salt, but the only brand of salt I buy without deviation is Maldon flake salt, which I call my “snack salt.” I buy it by the bucket and sprinkle it on pretty much everything, including the previously mentioned Alpenrose cottage cheese. The little pyramid-shaped flakes add flavor and texture, and I’m not above eating them straight out of the container, much to the horror of those around me.

Another local product, Franz BIG white bread is the only pre-packaged white bread I fuck with. It’s what you want Wonderbread to be: soft and surprisingly moist for bag bread, with a slight sweetness that makes it the perfect foundation for a bologna sandwich, tomato sandwich, or grilled cheese.

These little pickles are aggressively acidic, which is what I look for in a tiny pickle. I’ve sung their praises before, but to recap:

Not only are these the best

cheap

cornichons one can purchase, I think they are the

best

cornichons one can purchase outside of France. Honestly they are better than some of the fancy French pickles I’ve eaten. They are so wonderfully, aggressively sour, garlicky, and flavorful, and their brine makes a stunning

dirty martini

. They are perfect—10/10, no notes.

They’re also exquisite when eaten as part of this chaotic pickle snack, if you were looking for a new and exciting way to eat pickles.

I rarely drink anymore, but when I do, it’s almost always a martini, and that martini is always made with Tanqueray. I used to play around with other, more “interesting,” botanical-heavy gins, but now I crave pure juniper, and that’s what you get with Tanq.

I hate to hand it to capitalism, but Heinz ketchup is a perfect product. It’s sweet, shiny, tangy, and impossibly smooth—everything a ketchup should be. Ketchup doesn’t need to be elevated nor made at home, nor should it be clove-heavy (looking at you Trader Joe’s). Ketchup should be made with high-fructose corn syrup, in a factory, by a company that has perfected not the art, but the science of making ketchup.

I love mayonnaise. Unlike ketchup, I think it is worth making your own sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a couple of prepared store-bought options at the ready. I always have two, and one of them is always Kewpie. It’s made with egg yolks—four per every 500 grams—a blend of vinegars, sugar, and a bit of MSG, resulting in a sweet, custardy mayo with tons of umami. I use Kewpie when I want a little sweetness, primarily in tuna salad, deviled eggs, and breakfast sandwiches. (I also have Kewpie t-shirt, which I treasure.)

Now that it’s available outside of the South, Duke’s is the second mayo I always have on hand. Unlike Kewpie, it’s made with whole eggs and no sugar, resulting in a fluffier, tangier mayonnaise. (This is why I need both at all times.) I use Duke’s interchangeably with Kewpie, depending on my mood, but it is the only mayo I use when making a tomato sandwich.

The first time I had Boar’s Head meat was in a Publix sub sandwich in Tampa, Florida. Immediately, I was hooked on their Branded Deluxe ham. It ruined all other deli ham for me. At first glance it seems like any other processed loaf, but it’s not cloying in the way a lot of sandwich ham is. It’s salty and meaty and, yes, a touch sweet, and has become my favorite post-weightlifting treat. (I often pound it immediately upon returning home the gym, directly in front of an open fridge.)

I am not a coffee snob. I have Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker, and I load that baby up with Café Bustelo. (I used to be ashamed of this practice, until a Puerto Rican friend told me that’s how his family makes it; I then felt very cool and smart.) I’ll make a big pot one day, drink a few cups hot, then pop the leftovers in the fridge to enjoy iced the next day. In a town that’s overrun with bright and fruity thirdwave coffee, I treasure the dark and deep flavor of Café Bustelo.

If you’re going to eat canned meat, it might as well be the canned meat. SPAM is a unique product with a unique flavor, and I love it. Whether it’s waffled, air fried, or in musubi, there is no substitute for this aggressively salty processed pork product. I could eat the classic flavor for the rest of my life and be happy, but the MáLà Szechuan SPAM is something special.

I’m utter trash for this trash pizza. The sauce is too sweet, the crust too crackery, and the cheese doesn’t melt like it should, but somehow it all works, particularly if you have ingested an illicit substance beforhard. (Though my boyfriend is completely sober, and he’s the freak who introduced me to these. Do with that what you will.)

Twizzlers can jump up my butt.

My favorite potato chips of all time are Golden Flake, but I can’t get those in Oregon, so I buy Lay’s. I enjoy a wide range of kettle cooked chips—especially local brand, Tim’s—but when I need something thin and crispy, I reach for Lay’s. They’re the thinnest, the crispiest, and the saltiest chip around—perfect for smashing into sandwiches and delivering caviar to my mouth.

Better Than Bouillon is such an effective product, using it almost feels like cheating. With just a smidge, you can add deep, developed, savory flavor to pasta, vegetables, rice, and, of course, soups and stews. My favorite flavors are the classic chicken and beef, but their vegetarian line slaps pretty hard as well.

Caldo de Tomate is technically a bouillon, but I use the savory powder as an all-purpose seasoning. It’s an umami powerhouse that’s packed with tomato powder, chicken “flavor,” and MSG. I don’t know a better blend of powders. I put it on pretty much everything, including cottage cheese, but my new move is sprinkling it on top of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn.

I have tried many homemade brownie recipes, and none have produced a brownie I enjoy more than the Ghiradelli boxed mix, especially when you factor in cost of ingredients and my very valuable time. The Ghirardelli boxed mix makes a brownie that is fudgy in the center and slightly crisp and very chewy on the edges, with a gossamer-thin, shiny crust. That’s all I want. That’s all I need. (If I ever get a hankering for a more “homemade” flavor, I replace the water with coffee and the vegetable oil with pistachio.)