When you look up “toxic relationship,” all the top results focus on identifying unhealthy or harmful signs in the other person—never you. After all, it’s easy to point fingers and diagnose toxic behaviors in other people. What’s harder is a good long look in the mirror to admit when you’re the one causing problems in a relationship. How can you know when you’re the toxic one, and what can you do to change it?
First off, understand that your negative behaviors likely come from a place of insecurity. You might have underlying power issues, fears of abandonment, or self-sabotaging tendencies—especially if you’ve been hurt before in past relationships. Toxic behaviors don’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it’s important is to recognize these patterns that might be hurting those around you (and, in turn, hurting yourself).
Here are some of the major clues that you’re being the toxic one in a relationship, as well as what you can do about them.
You constantly feel jealous
Mild jealousy is natural, but if you’re constantly feeling the need to go through your partner’s phone, there’s a bigger trust issue going on. The question to answer is where the lack of trust stems from—is your partner really being untrustworthy? Or do you maybe have anxiety and self-esteem issues independent of your significant other? Self-reflect to think about why you feel threatened in the first place.
Be open about how you’re feeling with your partner. There are plenty of ways to express healthy jealousy, like “I feel like that guy was flirting with you; am I right?” What’s toxic is if you feel threatened every time your partner talks to someone who isn’t you. The key is to share your concerns, not broad accusations.
You always find a way to be in control
Do you feel the need to “approve” of things your partner wants to do? Are you good at finding a way to always get your desired outcome, even if it means telling your partner what they should think and feel? When your partner doesn’t do what you want, do you get angry?
Similar to most toxic behaviors, a need for control usually stems from a place of anxiety. You might feel the need to control the relationship in order to feel at peace. It’s important to figure out what’s driving your need for this kind of power, so you can learn how to let go of things that are out of your control. This involves learning to accept your partner for who they are, even if you don’t “approve” of every move they make. And in order to do that, you probably need to learn how to accept yourself—even when you can’t be in control of every little thing.
Your partner has stopped sharing things with you
There are a number of reasons your partner feels like they can’t come to you with their feelings, good or bad. Maybe you’re constantly playing devil’s advocate rather than empathizing with them. Maybe you always find a way to make the conversation about you instead of them. Or maybe you’re untrustworthy with sensitive information, and they don’t want all your friends finding something out.
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If your partner feels like they can’t share things with you, resentment will build. Try asking your partner directly how you can be a better listener and meet their needs, and be ready for a potentially difficult conversation about that. Here are some more tips on how to improve communication in your relationship.
You always feel like a victim
While it’s healthy to recognize the ways in which you are powerless, it’s unhealthy to never assume any accountability at all. You do have power in a relationship, and a permanent victim mindset is toxic indeed. Rather than getting defensive and immediately placing blame on the other person, take ownership over your actions. This might mean learning to properly say “I’m sorry,” as well as learning how to forgive yourself once your partner does.
If you do genuinely believe you’re the victim in your relationship, ask yourself why. Do you have trouble saying “no” to situations you don’t actually want to be in? Do you struggle to speak up for yourself? Or is your partner consistently crossing the line and wronging you, actually making you a victim—a sign that the relationship might need to end?
People find your reactions unpredictable
Do you get the sense (or have friends outright told you) that people walk on eggshells around you? When we feel insecure in a relationship, it can cause reactions that don’t match the situation. If your mood is a minefield for your loved one, you likely have unspoken expectations that you need to assess and communicate with the other person.
Self-reflect to get to the root of your mood swings or instability. Certain habits within our control can help manage irritability, or there might be something more serious going on. If you’re having trouble regulating your emotions (and it’s costing you your relationship), consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
All your relationships end the same way
This is the most obvious sign that you’re in fact the toxic one in a relationship. If all your breakups follow the same pattern, there might be a pretty clear common denominator here. Accepting this fact is the first step to making a change to stop hurting the people you love. Your toxic behaviors may feel insurmountable, but you can get help. Here are our guides to finding the right therapist for you.