If your child manages to survive into their teenage years, you’ll have made over 85 million parenting mistakes (beginning with not using birth control that one time). You will no doubt continue fucking up, too, until they move out of the house at 35.
The mistakes we make with our teenagers are different than the ones we make with little kids. They’re not worse, necessarily, but now your kid will notice and never shut up about it. So avoid these common and devastating screw-ups, and your child will have nothing to talk about in therapy. Except all the other mistakes you made.
Not giving them a way out of dangerous situations
Most stupid things teenagers do are reversible with time—if they flunk out of 11th grade, they can get a GED; if they get thrown in jail for stealing a car, their record will be wiped clean when they turn 18—but some common teenage issues are Life or Death. Accidents (mostly car accidents), homicide, and suicide are the top three causes of death among teenagers in the U.S., so you have to make sure your teenager recognizes these situations and knows they can turn to you if they need help. So have the tough conversations. Make sure your teen knows you’ll offer them a judgement-free ride home at any time of night so they don’t get in a car with someone who is driving drunk. Make sure they can come to you if the usual angst of teenagehood starts to seem like something worse. And make sure you uphold your part of the bargain.
Helicopter parenting
Before I had a child, I figured the hardest part would be the grind and responsibility of child rearing—the diaper changing, constant supervision, cooking (kids have to eat every day, several times!)—but the real hardest part is being OK with not being the center of his world anymore. So I understand why parents try to hold on tight as their kids get older, but it’s not going to work. Like it or not, your teen is setting sail to a secret country you can’t visit, and your only job is to stand on the dock waving and saying “bon voyage.” Helicoptering your teenager, babying them, not letting them make their own mistakes, leads to dependent, half-formed adults, resentment, and potentially years of expensive therapy. And guess what? They’ll leave anyway.
Minimizing their problems
The day-to-day obstacles of adolescence are ridiculous compared to grown-ass adult problems, but as satisfying as it might seem in the moment, it does not help to tell your teen things like, “You think you have problems? Try paying a mortgage.”
Unless you know otherwise, don’t assume your kid is overstating their reactions the drama and angst of adolescence. Sure, the devastating, world-ending fight with their best friend will probably be forgotten in a couple days, but the emotions your teen is feeling are real. “Wow, that must feel awful,” is a much better response than, “Pfft, big deal.”
It comes down to having empathy, and remembering what it felt like when you were a teenager. That’s the key to avoiding most of these mistakes, by the way.
Not having their back
When your kids start navigating the world outside of your house, conflicts that have nothing to do with you are inevitable. Whether its beefs with friends or broken chemistry with teachers, remember to always be on their team. This doesn’t mean that everything they do is right, it means to let them know that you support them even if they make mistakes.
Not respecting their identity
If your kid is piling on affectations and fashion choices you don’t approve of, try to let it go. They’re not doing it to be annoying. Teenagers are a mess; neither their brains nor bodies are fully formed, but they’re expected to act semi-human, so they try on different identities to figure it all out. It might be weird and disturbing to watch your once-sweet little girl or boy rocking spikes and eyeliner and listening to Watain, but unless they’re into something legitimately harmful, just roll with it. You didn’t keep wearing JNCO jeans into adulthood, right? Your teens will most likely drop whatever style they’re into before long, so ask yourself who it’s hurting for your kid to dye their hair black. If the answer is “no one” (and it almost always is) let it go. Say, “It’s a phase, it’ll pass;” but only to yourself, not to them.
Getting the authorities involved
There are too many parents out there who discipline their children by saying they’ll call the police if they don’t behave. (Mostly white parents, I have to guess.) This is bad, obviously, but actually calling the cops on an older kid is much worse.
It can be hard to accept, but The State does not have your child’s best interests at heart, and when they are grown up, I promise they will not thank you for calling the police because you found some weed in their pocket. Unless someone is in immediate physical danger, calling the police will not work out well for you or your children.
Not savoring it
No matter how frustrating it can be to raise a teenager, remember: It’s a time of wonder and exploration, too, and it goes by very fast. Like the “terrible twos” and “fucking fours” that came before, it will be over before you know it, and you’ll wish you could go back, if just for a day.