Whether it’s the triumphant(?) return of meme-condiment Pink Sauce, potentially deadly frozen treats, or a battle between the internet and Waffle House, this week’s kids’ report is about food. There’s food for thought as we consider why everyone seems to hate Velma so much, and a look into the glorious future when the robots take over the Earth and the only food is oil and transistors.
What’s so bad about Velma?
Since we all live in isolated idealogical echo chambers, it’s nice when something meaningless comes along that we can all argue about. This week, it’s HBO’s Velma, a Scooby-Doo spin-off geared toward grown-ups and starring the voice of Mindy Kaling. The cartoon is at 52% on RottenTomatoes, with an audience rating of 6.2 of 10, so right in the middle. Still, most of the online discourse is about hating Velma. Some people on the Right see the series as a demonstration of performative “wokeness” that’s racist against white people, where some leftist types think the show is purposefully unfunny to make wokeness look stupid (or something). But the main problem with Velma, across the ideological spectrum, is the complete lack of both Scooby and Doo—the famous talking-dog-who-is-also-high is nowhere to be seen in the show.
That and the fact that none of the characters seem even remotely based on the original show has led some to speculate the series was never supposed to be about Velma in the first place. There’s a rumor/conspiracy theory that it began its life as a different show and they slapped on names and superficial tropes from Doo-verse in order to make people watch it. Despite the complaints, the show reportedly was widely streamed, and I doubt anyone at HBO cares what how many of those streams were from hate-watching. (Spoiler: It was old man McGillicutty in a mask trying to scare everyone so he could buy the abandoned mine himself.)
Liquid nitrogen snacks trending, potentially lethal
Back in my day, if kids wanted to blow clouds of smoke, they’d steal a pack of cigarettes from their folks; but these days, kids are doing something that could be harmful to their health. Specifically, they’re eating candy laced with liquid nitrogen (and vaping, I guess). The candies, known as “dragon’s breath” or “ciki ngebul” are reportedly all the rage in Indonesia, where 25 children have been harmed by them, including two hospitalizations. I’m sure you don’t need to know why it’s a bad idea to ingest liquid nitrogen, but just in case: Liquid nitrogen is cold enough to burn your flesh, and eating it can cause asphyxiation and cold damage to your insides. But that isn’t stopping some treat-adventurers. If you want to see whether belching out clouds of smoke from your mouth and nose is worth the risk, here’s a YouTube video of some people endangering themselves for the gimmick.
Pink Sauce: Coming soon to a Walmart near you
Speaking of dubious snacks, remember Pink Sauce? Several months ago it was delighting and/or disgusting people all over TikTok with its bold color and seeming lack of quality control. Well, Pink Sauce has gone legit: The neon condiment will be on shelves at Walmarts nationwide in the coming weeks. The product of TikTok’s Chef Pii, Pink Sauce was first sold from her private store, and users reported shocking discrepancy in color from bottle to bottle, as well as misspelled ingredients on the label, if they were listed at all. These problems, I assume, have been ironed out, as Pii has partnered with hot sauce company Dave’s Gourmet, and Dave’s Gourmet assures the world that Pink Sauce will be manufactured and sold “in accordance with U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s guidelines in a Safe Quality Food [SQF] certified facility.” It’s $10 a bottle, and yes, I’m going to buy some.
Waffle House vs. TikTok
When TikTok and Waffle House go to war, everyone wins. The conflict is over one of those annoying “secret menu” TikTok trends where people ask service industry workers to make some dumb thing or another. TikTok has moved on from gaming Chipotle’s “build it yourself system” and on to asking Waffle House employees to create an “I saw it on TikTok” bacon cheeseburger/pickles/waffle abomination that looks totally disgusting (until it’s 2 a.m. and you’re drunk at the Waffle House and it looks delicious.) In response to the trend, at least one Waffle House said, “Actually, the customer is often wrong” by posting a sign reading “ORDER FROM THE MENU WE ARE NOT MAKING ANYTHING YOU SAW ON TIKTOK!!” I get that this is likely a huge pain in the ass for the people who work at Waffle House, but on the other hand, if I owned Waffle House, I wouldn’t be telling customers they can’t have the thing they want. There’s money to be made in cheeseburger-waffles, apparently. Feeling like an insider and ordering off the “secret” menu at In-N-Out burger is a West Coast tradition, even if everyone already knows about the “secret” menus and ordering from it actually makes you look like a weirdo.
Viral video of the week: Atlas Gets a Grip
Aw, shit, son—a new robot just dropped.
Unless 100 years of science fiction movies lied to me, the people at Boston Dynamics will soon be murdered by their own creations, but until that tragic day, I will watch whatever robot video they want to post, even if it’s a maddeningly brief, minute-and-a-half of footage of a robot delivering tools to a guy pretending to hammer something. But it’s the way Atlas brings him the tools. This video will send you face-first into the Uncanny Valley as you are forced to remind yourself that the subject isn’t a person in a suit and isn’t a special effect. It’s a real freakin’ robot, and it seems to be solving a problem in the physical world. I am eagerly awaiting the day that a robot entirely replaces me, as I am definitely inferior to the mechanical men of the future. Check it out and tell me you’re not amazed.