A few days ago, between news of GOAT-level USA gymnast Simone Biles pulling out of some events at the 2020-in-2021 Tokyo Olympics for mental health reasons, and DaBaby literally sounding dumber and dumber with each sentence, you might have also seen slow news day fodder in the form of comments made by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast talking about how infrequently they bathed their children as newborns (this distinction is important) and their own current cleanliness routines—minimal daily soap usage—which they presumably pass on to their children (Dax also doesn’t believe in daily soap usage; white people are funny). And if you’re like me (and probably most folks), you were like, “that’s nasty.” I don’t know either of them personally, and I typically don’t make it a practice to judge folks lives, but I definitely had some questions as soon as I heard the story because me and you, your mama and your cousin, too, know they aren’t alone in this line of thinking.
Two things before we get to gettin’ while the gettin’s good: 1) Let me quite clearly state that regardless of what I will say going forward, my kids get bathed, with soap, every day. It’s Clockwork Brown Baby ‘round here. We might not wash their hair everyday, but their bodies? Absolutely. It’s hot AF outside; if you step outside for two minutes in the Washington, D.C., area, you gon’ need a shower; kids are no different. Cool? Cool.
And 2): One of the interesting things you learn once you have kids is how many different opinions parents and even pediatricians have about bathing kids, but babies especially. Pediatricians will specifically tell you not to wash your kids too much because you don’t want to reduce the babies’ ability to produce natural oils, etc., that are needed to protect the skin as babies grow into children. Now, I’d wager that a sizable percentage of parents are like, “nah, bih” and at the very least put some water on their babies every day. The rolls in babies necks are full of milk that’s dribbled from their mouths. And don’t get me started on when they start eating solid foods and moving around. Kids are basically dirty all day; from crawling around on floors and trying to put random shit in their mouths, babies are exposed to so much dirt and germs that not cleaning them daily definitely means your kids are at best, unclean. Point is, doctors tell you not to wash your babies too much before you even leave the hospital. So I ain’t gon’ judge them too harshly on their newborn routine, I get it. It wasn’t our ministry, but folks have different gods.
Aight, to my questions.
1. Why even share this shit?
Their admission and then subsequent need to make it sound like an OK (or at least not an odd thing) is why, if you have some kind of weird quirk that is going to make you look bonkers and you’re famous, you should keep that shit to yourself. Nobody came out of that conversation better than they entered it except social media.
2. Nigga, why at all?
Like, soap and water are your friends. These rich white people can be clean as whistles and yet they’re out here saving soap as if they run a charity that sends soap to, hell, somewhere. Also, I kind of expected richer folks to use, I don’t know, richer soap? Lever 2000? We used to get that shit when I was young because you can buy like 136 bars for under $20. My memory may be off but one of the first things I chucked when I could was Lever 2000. OLD SPICE!
3. Who, figuratively, showed their dirty ass hands first?
Like, two soap-minimalists don’t just find one another unless that’s a dating app and I’m just not aware because I been out the game for so long. I feel like somebody has to see the other person not being clean and is like, “WTF?” and the other makes the most compelling-ass case ever for being rich and unclean and the other is like, this will be our bonding ministry. Like, I just refuse to believe these two found one another and met in the middle on being unclean. Then again, I’m also Black and still find it hard to believe that white people and wash cloths aren’t a thing.
4. Do their kids not play outside?
I kind of envision rich people as not requiring their kids to wear shoes. My wife likes to walk outside barefoot all the time and one of my kids has started to do this. My wife and kids also take all the showers and baths all the time. My kids glisten, my G. Like, the bottoms of your feet ain’t gon’ be dirty and you think you even finna walk all around the house like that. But even if they wear shoes, kids sweat. I checked, my kids sweat.
5. Ashton said he cleans his crotch and his armpits daily; so we just bird-bathing out here?
This is a personal question but like, before they smash (and after!!!!) are showers required or are they just out here being nasty at CVS with...you know what? Let’s just move on.
6. I wonder if you don’t believe in soap daily for natural body oils reasons, are you actually using wash clothes to get clean when you do?
Like are you ever actually clean? Like, if you barely use soap, only when necessary, are you going like full boar with that shower? Wash clothes, loofas, sponges, etc.? Or are you using your hand to clean yourself? You know, what, this is getting nastier and nastier the more I think about and like I said, I’m trying not to judge here.
7. What constitutes dirty enough to take a shower?
Does one have to be covered in mud? Or soot? Like, are we having debates at the table on the need for a shower? Is there a tie-breaker? Do the kids have any say? My oldest be ready to change clothes if he gets a dollop of anything on his shirt. Whole outfit change. If the kids are like, “Rich Mommy and Rich Daddy, I feel dirty, can I take a bath?” does anybody say no?
Again, just to sum it up, ewwww, why even share that?